n_ashika

hey j-man!
hey wasap?
nm wasap wit you?
nm, nm... watching you
as usual...
yeah, as usual. so you don't get into any trouble.
my guardian angel.
yeah, so? maybe i like my job.
i never said you didn't. in fact, i think you like it too much.
...
ha no arguement there huh?
not really, but i am a figment of your imagination...
i already said sorry for that! come on man, i'm sorry!
you don't even believe in me.
sure i do.
not really.
not completely. still a little.
sure.
yeah, i mean really, i do! you're cool!
i love you. but maybe i'm only saying that because you want me to. because your mind told me to.
maybe. but still it's great to be loved...
of course, it isn't reciprocated.
well what can i say, man? i barely even believe you exist. how could i reciprocate a feeling that might not even exist?
fine then, don't. you don't have to.
you're too much of a pushover.
only for you.
and a sap!
i can't help it. i love you, i can afford to be a sap.
plus no one else can hear you say cheesy things.
true. i don't have any bad influences to make fun of me.
hey i told you i'd get rid of her, just have some patience! i don't wanna hurt her feelings. we're friends!
barely. she doesn't like you, she always chooses other people over you, why shouldn't you hurt her feelings?
hey you are supposed to be an angel! you shouldn't be telling me to hurt her feelings!
i'm an angel, not a saint!
well aren't you still a messenger of bob?
she hates it when you call her that you know.
so? ... sorry then...
moment of thought?
actually it took me a few minutes to change my view.
yeah like half a minute!
fine then. i think slowly for me but not for anyone else.
it's possible...
so. i'm bored.
SUDDENLY!
lol. nice. mind-reader.
creator.
i thought you were an angel.
your angel. as in, you shaped me.
so i shaped you after myself so you can read my thoughts?
no, you shaped me so i know you inside and out.
oh alright then.
yes.
fred fred burger!
you are such a kid.
you are so not an adult.
i'm ageless!
i'm not?
funny. you age. so you're not ageless.
oh thanks.
you don't care!
you do.
well yeah. i don't want you to grow out of me...
should i apologise now for what i might do in the future?
maybe.
i'm sorry if i ever outgrow you, abandon you, or insult you.
alright. of course this apology will be nullified if you ever do anything ridiculous that i have to save you from.
why?
because if i have to save your life, i can't accept an apology you made previously.
alright, i get it, sort of. easily distracted, easily confused.
yes you are.

Well me and my boyfriend were eating dinner (with my mom and grandma and grandpa) and talking about flight lessons, and then my mom pointed out that my ex-boyfriend had offered to pay for flight lessons for me, and I pointed out that he offered that about a week before quitting his job. My boyfriend asked, "So he's a hobo now?" and I muttered under my breath, "Sure, if you change a letter." My mom started cracking up about twenty seconds later, and my boyfriend half a second after her. As the cliche goes, 'It's funny because it's true!' because he's dating a guy now...

Oh, and also my boyfriend left his knife on my sofa, and I'm kinda worried about bringing it to school tomorrow. I've brought little blades to school before, but this is like a heavy duty switchblade. Of course, I have to bring it to him because he isn't coming over tomorrow because I'm joining a youth group (yes, a group of followers of the biggest cult on earth- christianity) and the leader of it wants to meet me. I'm not sure what I should do though, because she wanted to hang out and maybe go to dinner or lunch or something, and I don't have any money and I am really awkward in social situations... And she sounded really friendly like nice-friendly, and I utterly despise people like that because I can never be like them and I can't handle the nice-ness of them because most people aren't nice to me and I feel like people like that should have their own friends and not bother with me... AHA-NY WAYS... So yeah I have to meet this girl- she's gonna call me tomorrow. I dunno when, sometime after three o five because that's when I get outta school. I also don't know where we will GO to hang out or whether I can get a ride or not or if she'll want me to pay her back or if she'll even spend money on me or grr idk. I hate this kinda stuff.

Maybe I can empower myself- I got a pedicure yesterday. Now THAT took some guts. For me, I mean, anyone reading this probably wouldn't get why that scares me. But yeah, my feet are really sensitive and I can not STAND people touching them.
SO if I was able to do THAT I'll probably be fine tomorrow, right?
Yeah, RIGHT.

I guess I'm just really inse- wow I can't even finish that I'm laughing to hard. Me, insecure. WOW. Suuuuuuuure.


So I'm sleepy. Not that anyone is reading this anyways....... Goodnight, Self.

poems



all mine.



WELCOME TO...
 

welcome to action and consequence

welcome to falling fading into the distance

welcome to loss and misery and despair

welcome to the people who really do care

welcome to acheivement after hard work

welcome to karma biting you in the ass you jerk

welcome to finding your one true love

welcome to "you'll get it when you give it up"

welcome to happiness welcome to joy

welcome to crashing and burning oh boy

welcome to highs and welcome to lows

welcome to failing because you learn too slow

welcome to hate because you don't fit in

welcome to the world of original sin

welcome to "go on dive right in head first"

welcome to "don't jump man your life could be worse"

welcome to being a total bitch

welcome to realizing you make yourself sick

welcome to my realization that i just rhymed bitch with sick

THE WORD 

this is the word

this is the place

and the time

this is the rhyme

this is the feelin

the movement stirred

this is the word

 

this is the word

my word

my voice

this is the manifestation of choice

this is the claim

to the gold

and to fame

this is the freedom

let everyone hear my name

this is the word

 

these are our words

our thoughts that we share

these are our results

of pretending we care

these are our truths

and our lies

and our sins

this is the word

this is where it begins





NOT
 

she draws circles on her paper

not hearts

not stick figures

not faces

her poems are about good fortune

not sadness

not loneliness

not heartbreak

her hair is brown

not dyed black

not bleached

not bright

her contacts are the color of her eyes

not neon

not american flags

not glow in the dark

her fingernails are painted pink

not black

not purple

not sharpied

her family is happy

not broken

not divorced

not poor

her friends are good people

not cruel

not judgemental

not criminals

her skin is freckled

not tan

not pale

not acne-ridden

her voice is gentle

not soft

not loud

not annoying

her demeanor is calm

not stubborn

not rebellious

not angry

her life is lacking

not perfect

not bad

not real

WHO ARE YOU

 

who are you to call me names

to judge me

to think that you are above me?

who are you to tell me what i think

who i love

how i feel?

who are you to plan for me

to dictate my life

to promise me away?

who are you to need me

to want me

to guilt trip me into submission?

who are you to lie to me

to claim you love me

then

to ignore me?

who are you to give up on me

to be angry at me

to reject me?

who are you to put me down

to insult me

to use me?

who are you?

ODE TO DEPRESSION
 

drip, drip

i glare at the sink in front of me

drip, drip

red, and stained with blood

drip, drip

i can feel my life force sliding down the drain

drip, drip

the air reaks with the smell of imminent death

drip, drip

looming closer, i can taste it

drip, drip

i hear nothing but the steady

drip, drip

nothing is simple, nothing is right

drip

LOVED BY NONE

throw the picture frame at the wall

you know you could have had it all

if only you hadn't let me fall

who knew it would be one phone call

that ruined everything

life and feelings

they don't mean anything

i no longer want to sing

contemplating possibilites

jumping off this pointless trapeze

fuck balance thats thrown off by a sneeze

perched precariously on the tallest of trees

liked by many loved by none

gave up before the job was done

you lied when you said i was the one

you're pulling the trigger of this gun

you're the blood dripping down my hand

you've washed away the footprints in the sand

you've already forgetten me, the damned

i'm on my way down but you don't care where i land

toppling head over heels heels over head

no one cares- i might already be dead

whats the point of feeling regret

when no matter what you are in my debt

you owe me more than just an apology

my life was once important to me

now you're the knife setting me free

biting into my arm silver blade turning bloody





THE MIDNIGHT RANTINGS OF A LOVE-STRICKEN GIRL WHO NEED SOME SELF-CONTROL AND HER POETRY NEEDS A MODERATOR OR SOMETHING

in the silence that surrounds only us though the others hear the noises

and in our darkened silence we will never doubt the choices

with the blood rushing faster faster feelings all sensations

no rationale no logic only feeble imitations

because impulses and instincts are the things that we will trust

when the daylight turns to moonlight and the need turns into lust

<3

MY BEST ONE ~ STEP LIGHTLY

lightly treading on broken glass

doesn't make it hurt any less

and every time i take a step

i gasp for air, i hold my breath

i curse the night and look down at my feet

cut and bloodied, they have reached defeat

but i cannot stop in the center

of this plain of despair

i must turn back or keep going

on this path to God knows where

it's my responsibility

i'm the one who made the choice

to follow this path- my feet followed me

so i'll lead on with an unwavering voice

and maybe my feet will do as i say

and my body will follow along

and i'll find this was the better way

and this path was right all along

they said that she was fine 

they said that she was fine

or at least she'd be alright

did they really think that

or were they full of lies?

we all can see what's happened

no matter if they lied

she's gone but we'll remember

how she touched our lives

we'll wish it was us and not her

we'll grieve and we will mourn

we will always remember the girl

whose storyline was torn

we'll watch life's fleeting joys

as they pass us by

but soon we will stop asking

why we mortals die

her memory will fade away

as in the ground she rots

and the one who controls the universe

keeps tying life's little knots

her impact will remain

we may not even notice

but she brightened all our lives

and i hope she knows this

we wasted what we had

and always said 'that's mine!'

we never shared we never cared

they said that she was fine.

RANT OF ME

She always wants more than she has. She's under the illusion that no one likes her - that she drives people away when in reality, she draws them in, captures their hearts, consumes their thoughts. She obsesses over the one person she thinks she wants, and is sure she'll never havem completely oblivious to his feelings. She doesn't expect to attract the people she does, and so whenever someone confesses that they like or loveher, she is always shocked. They don't understand her surprise, because she's got eveyone convinced that she is a narcissist, that she already assumed they loved her, even if she didn't really. She sees herself in a more negative sense than others, and doesn't understand why people are hurt when she's moody - she thinks she's always like that. She's lazy and can always get someone else to do whatever she doesn't want to. She gets angry easily, no one understands her perfectionism, not even her. She talks to herself a lot, and has convinced herself that she is crazy. She always has something to complain about, and so when she gets sick she assumes it's all in her head. She both loves and hates herself.

i think you can guess the title of this one...

i'm a cold hard bitch
not ev'n a kiss on the lips
but you're still on your knees
waiting
for me
a cold hard bitch
i may be shaking my hips
but that doesn't mean
you got me
sorry

deliciously atrocious

 

you're deliciously atrocious babe but i don't mind

you don't give a sh*t about me and that would be fine

but every once in a while you make me feel like a child

hopeless and helpless from just a simple smile

and somehow it reminds me of what i try not to believe

that sometimes i would prefer it if you cared about me

but really any attention good or bad

is fine with me even if it makes me sad

because just the aknowledgement fills me with joy

i'm glad you play with me me even if i'm just a toy

true love by fake feelings

 

i was delirious

maybe it was the lights, maybe it was the bass

maybe it was the look playing across your face

whichever it was i fell for you

i'm stuck in a loop now there's nothing i can do

my heart speeds up at the sound

of the song that started this dreaming

i act different when you are around

'cause in my head all i hear is my screaming

you make me delirious

i'm sure it was the lights, i'm sure it was the bass

nothing to do with the shape of your face

my imagination fell for you

it's not real it's just something i do

i can't stop thinking that night

the darkness pierced by flashing lights

the way that i felt just couldn't be right

so then why can't i resist- i can't fight

merely delirious

they drew me in- the lights, it called my name- the bass

caught by the look plastered on your face

it captured me- i fell for you

this is my loop now there's nothing i can do

welcome to my loop there's nothing we can do

just let it play out and it will die on its own

this isn't real- i don't care for you

but until it is gone i don't want to be alone

zen

 

cruelty dreams of innocence

bad will long for good

death misses life

gray wishes for color

darkness grasps at light

pain strives for comfort

sickness devours health

corruption needs purity

chaos comes from order

static imitates clarity

the future will remember the past

Nobody

nobody wants my hopes and dreams
nobody wants my constant whining
nobody wants the world for me
nobody wants see the real me
nobody wants to know who i am
nobody wants to give a damn
nobody wants to help when i'm sick
nobody wants me- i bite and i kick
nobody wants to break through the sheild
nobody wants to know how i feel
nobody wants or cares what i love
nobody wants to know enough




ENDLESS SUMMER

yawn i say

'most every day

chronicly bored

energy stored

sleepy laze

world in a haze

lethargic life

pointless strifes

patternic void

empty joy

wishes, dreams

too serene

endless summer

real bummer.

Addicted to Jimmy

 

Dancing around things I'd outright say

If you were anyone else and it was any other day

Too scared to tell the truth

You can't know I need you

I won't let you

 

Lightly treading on broken glass

Doesn't make it hurt any less

The pain that I will always feel

I can't convince myself it isn't real

My heart isn't for you to steal

 

Dancing around things I'd outright say

If you were anyone else and it was any other day

Too scared to tell the truth

You can't know I need you

I won't let you

 

My lips either lock or let loose too much

I do NOT dream of your touch

I couldn't tell you anyway

There's so much more I would say

My mental state's in disarray

 

Dancing around things I'd outright say

If you were anyone else and it was any other day

Too scared to tell the truth

You can't know I need you

I won't let you

 

We'd never work I'd break your heart

So we better not even start

Jimmy you aren't mine

So I shouldn't waste your time

You don't have to listen to me whine

 

Dancing around things I'd outright say

If you were anyone else and it was any other day

Too scared to tell the truth

You can't know I need you

I won't let you

HER

she sat in the front row

it was her first day of school

she drew a picture

her teacher said it was interesting

she knew what interesting meant

it meant that she was different

it meant that she had something the others didn't

but to her it meant she didn't have what they did.

 

she heard the other girls' giggles

she was graduating sixth grade

she loved her dress

she didn't know that black was so hot.

 

she sat near the window

it was eighth grade

she stared not at the field outside

but at the Girl

a few desks away

the one with the brown hair

that fell gently around Her shoulders

and barely brushed the desk behind Her

she sketched Her profile on the edge of her work.

 

she called Her

the Girl that had distracted her from the window

for an entire year

it was summer

the Girl answered the phone

but she hung up before she could say anything

she called again a week later

but no one was home.

 

she sat in front of the mirror

her hair was black

she wiped away the tears on her cheek.

 

she grabbed her bag

and ran to school

it was ninth grade

she slid into a seat

in the back row

the Girl she loved

sat in front of her

but she didn't care

she had given up on that dream.

 

sitting in the back row

with her dark glasses and darker hair

she drew pictures of interesting things

she ignored their taunts

shoved past the glaring faces

she wanted no part of their world

and so she blocked it out

everything she hated

to her it wasn't real

to her they weren't real.

WHEN YOU LET ME EMAIL MYSELF, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

hahaha 'i statements'

 

i am sleepy i want a spaceship i need spaghetti i have superiority i feel spazzy i wish for stardom i don't like spelunking i can swim good i can't sneeze alot i could stab you but i don't want to.

im sleepy because it's 7am

i want a spaceship cause they kick ass

i need spaghetti cause i'm hungy

i have superiority because i'm narcicistic

i feel spazzy because i couldn't think of another word that started with 's'

i wish for stardom because i love acting

i don't like spelunking because caves scare me (wow im afraid of something!!!)

i can swim good because i have a pool

i can't sneeze alot because i don't have allergies

i could stab you but i don't want to.

JUST... WOW

whenever you're not with me my heart's with you baaaybee!

i'll be all alone when you're gone.

please before you leave me tell me you'll miiiiiiss me!

and make sure i know i'm your ooonly ooone.

my heart my life my love my one and ooonly

baby you know that is you-oo-oo-oo.

and always remember-don't forget that you looooove me

'cause i'm one hundred percent devoted to you-oo-oo-oo.

you'll never know how much i feel for you-oo

even if i told you the tru-ooth

you may never understand why-y i love you

but i hope that some day you dooooooooo

I STATEMENTS

 

strange i am

odd i am

queer i am

abnormal i am

happy i am

joyful i am

gleeful i am

gay i am

giddy i am

energetic i am

fit i am not

dynamic i am.

 

~aren't i wonderful?~

Picture-inspired poetry claiming to dream

A dream- that is all it was. I saw it clear as day, and it felt real, too. But, alas, I was merely dreaming. There was a ship, that I remember as vividly as i do your face. It had billowing sails as black as the perilous depths of the sea. And the wood of which it was made! Oh, it was magnificent. The richest, darkest wood- I don't know which kind. And I sailed in it, alongside the crisp, light, playful waves, and the ever-changing horizon. The dolphins, and the fishes, they were there. They danced in the waves, greeting us and then racing us, surrounding the ship and then dissappearing alltogether. But, alas, I was merely dreaming. I saw it clear as day, and it felt real, too. A dream-that's all it was.

MORE picture-inspired poetry

withering in a deep despair the blackened rose sulks. its thorns have all fallen away, and it is left only with its dark depression. it strives to remain, on a false hope that one day the black shall stain its once serene petals no more, but that day shall never come. it searches the empty, lifeless world it has come to call existance, looking for anything light, colorful, full of life. But it finds only hatred and emptiness. It longs for the beautiful hues of red and green it once took for granted, and wastes the precious moments of its rotting life remembering things gone long ago. It never realizes that there may be some beauty yet in black.

Can I please have more

Right Through Me (and my defenses)

 

Verse 1:

i'm putting defenses

building strong walls

trying to protect myself from my feelings

but every time you're near me

i lose all control

something about you leaves me reeling

Chorus:

you're breaking me down taking over my mind

against you i'm helpless but for some reason that's fine

i don't mind

Verse 2:

is this love or like or friendship

what does this mean

im sure that we are having a misunderstanding

i wish i could know

what are you thinking

when i search my own thoughts all i find is wanting

Chorus:

you're breaking me down taking over my mind

against you i'm helpless but for some reason that's fine

i don't mind

Ending: (pre-recorded like how brittany spears does in the background music of her live songs)

breaking me down- i'm losing control- what are you thinking- i wish i could know

against you i'm helpless- i don't mind- i have no strong walls- for some reason that's fine

 

I HAVE WAY MORE THAT I'LL PUT UP LATER

soo...
Current mood: complacent
Category: Life

 

so the other day, the weirdest thing happened.

 

LITERALLY the last person on EARTH i would expect, came up to me and asked how i was, how things were going with anthony, if anthony was treating me right... THEN he was all like, "because if he ever DOESN'T treat you right i'll beat his ass up for you"

the funny thing is, he had never ONCE said a single WORD to me before.

 

i'm wondering if he was being manipulative or just nice. *paranoia at its icky-est, you can't trust ANYONE*

so i'm really bored.

i need something fun/ something that will occupy/ my really big brain
yeah i'm conceited/ all i do is boss around/ everyone i know ((evry. not every))
my head is in pain/ curse of the computer nerd/ wish i had a life
hey i like that one/ poetic a bit abstract/ bad grammer looks good
i am watching scrubs/ it is quite a sunny show/ but sometimes it's sad
hi my name is shae/ technically it's hannah/ but that's our secret ((technikly))
kinky what a word/ sounds cool but don't say it loud/ someone will get mad
aliens are cool/ not the ones from mexico/ genuine space dudes
oh gosh bad language/ no wait i won't even start/ bore you all to death
i'm wearing a ring/ it's gold and shiny and stuff/ opal and diamond
lovelovelovelovelove/ lovelovelovelovelovelovelove/ lovelovelovelovelove
anthony boyd dobbs/ yes his middle name is boyd/ <3<3<3<3<3
wow i got side-tracked/ if there was a track at all/ really i doubt it
a lot of haikus/ like dude i mean wow/ haha i sound high
i do not get high/ just thought i would clear that up/ never have or will
ten o'clock at night/ now i'm watching south park yay/ wow this is creepy

yes i wrote alot of those... meet my brain.



^^i wrote this a few days ago